shoes

i lost my only pair of shoes. Dr. Scholl's sandals, with a beige woven canvas strap across the toes. it is strange to have only one pair of shoes, Dr. Scholl's sandals at that, and even more so to be able to lose them. i was in a park. New Orleans, with the red beans man (happily i can't remember his name). we were smoking pot, which i didn't like, though I had asked for it. i didn't like the feeling it gave me. from what i hear from others it's nothing like what most experience. just ugliness and paranoia and confusion. but there are worse things. and i didn't think about those things when i was stoned. i got away. that was how i lost the shoes. just got back into the car without them. coming to my senses, at some point i realized i forgot them. i would later steal shoes when i needed them, but at this point i did not know how. so i got a little money from red beans, before he left to work on the oil rig, something he did for weeks at a time, which was nice, since i didn't like him. i made my way to the shoe store. barefoot. taking the streetcar part of the way. the streetcar was lovely. it was the only good thing about New Orleans. it feels like another world, and i was somewhere else when i rode it. Angle Heart has a scene with the streetcar, it gives a very close approximation of it, but not i suppose, an approximation of the way it felt to me, being so otherworldly already. perhaps that’s why it felt like home. i got off of the streetcar and had to walk for a bit. long enough to burn my feet on the hot asphalt, walking as quickly as i could across the broad streets. finally i see the shoe store, and i imagine my pain will be over soon. i did not feel embarrassed of my condition, though my clothes were poor and i had no shoes. i knew i was caught in a strange existence, and it was not to be the strangest situation i would find myself in. then i walked in. i had no idea that school was starting the very next day. the place was mobbed small children and their mothers. it was horrifying. the juxtaposition of my condition and theirs was more than i could bear; to wait among them for my turn was too much. it was more than that that was horrifying, though; it was the crowds, being in close quarters with those so alien to me. perhaps it was the multitudinous judging, one or two was tolerable; to be ridiculed by a large group is more oppressive.